I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
zippers are such a cool invention
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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