I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
