I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
