Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
