My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
