The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
