I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
