I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
