Three words: puerto rican gang bang
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
