Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
