OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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