She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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