he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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