I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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