did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
