Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
