I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
