Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
