I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I think i got beer on your cat.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
