I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
