There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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