There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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