the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
