Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This is classic penis vs brain.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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