when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
