God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
