My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Come share oat with me in your robe
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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