i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
In other news, I just burned my penis
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Randomize
