Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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