When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
