I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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