Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
