dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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