i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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