According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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