so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
