Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
