I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Randomize
