I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
