You work out of a Hotel?
I think I am morally bankrupt
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
