Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
