he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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