Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
