so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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