i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
How naked do you want me to be?
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