Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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