Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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