I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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