3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
