one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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