My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
